Warning- this is a total brain dump.
Balance has never been my strength, at least not in the abstract form. I was never a star athlete, but I could always hold my own in activities that take balance (mainly slalom skiing). I joined a swing dancing club in college and got pretty good at the Lindy Hop and ballroom dancing, along with all of the spinning. I'd say I have some pretty sweet moves in some of my exercise classes. However, outside of the physical realm of what balance encompasses, I'm still a big fat failure.
I've pondered if it's just in my nature, or something I learned growing up. My parents are divorced and have such different personalities and ways of living, it's a wonder that they were ever married. My mother isn't meticulous or organized about anything, and can hold a hundred different competing thoughts in her brain at once. It sometimes overwhelms me, yet chaos is something she can embrace gladly. My father, on the other hand, always had a place for everything and everything in its place. His house was always clean and organized. Growing up, when my brother and I would go visit him, there was so much order and predictability to my day. I found comfort in that.
Where do I fall on this spectrum between my two parents? It's difficult to tell, but I'm slowly slouching towards the chaos end of the spectrum as I get older and have more children (who bring a whole heckuvalotta unpredictability into the mix). Part of my problem is my inability to manage my time. Sure, I can parent two spirited kids while pregnant, work part time from home, hold a church calling, exercise three times a week, teach a preschool co-op, cook dinner each night, and clean up after two miniature tornadoes consistently, no sweat, right? Well... I can, but it usually means something is being neglected. Namely, the stuff I don't feel like doing. Like laundry. And work. and cleaning my floors.
Work has always been a struggle for me. I always knew I wanted a career of some kind outside of motherhood. I love learning, and my biggest fear about becoming a mother was that I would somehow get too busy caring for children to keep my mind nurtured and challenged. My boss is a brilliant man who owns his own consulting business. I have been helping coordinate and develop the communication program for one of his clients, The American Massage Therapy Association- Washington Chapter, for the last few years. It has been a wonderful experience. I love working with such an amazing volunteer-run organization. People are inspired and passionate about what they are doing. I have learned so much. I often think that they could find someone smarter and more reliable to do what I am doing, but I am grateful that they keep me on.
I've also struggled with finding that balance that I yearn for. I usually end up working at night after everyone goes to bed. Being pregnant has made this difficult, because I find myself feeling so exhausted at the end of the day. Working from home always sounded so ideal, but the longer I do it, the more I miss working in an office, if only for the fact that it is easier to keep that boundary between work and home. Whenever the kids are quiet and I have a moment for myself, I find myself thinking about work, and how I really should use the time to accomplish something. It's always there, nagging at me in the background, making it hard to fully embrace those moments of quiet. I've also struggled with actually doing a good job. Lately, I feel ashamed of the quality of my work. So much of it is done last minute or late at night. I want to be proud of what I do. I also have other hobbies and aspirations that I've put aside because I don't have the time, and I don't want to regret setting those things aside because I was too busy.
Recently, my laptop broke, and I found some clarity. Suddenly, work wasn't an option. The kids and I played. My laundry was washed and folded and even put away! I cooked dinner for my family and it didn't come from a box. I read a book!!!! Which is a big thing for me because I truly have to limit myself with reading- to me it's like crack- I'm a junkie. It was such a wonderful experience. And humbling, because I realized how many things I regularly neglect because my plate is too full. Even though a small part of me missed the challenge and the stimulation of my job, I felt like I had finally been able to live in the moment.
My laptop is fixed now and I am facing looming deadlines. I am also pondering how I am going to manage everything down the road with a newborn added to the mix. Every time I seem to get my footing, another major life change throws me off again and I am left seeking that ever-elusive balance. My fear is that I'll forget to enjoy these amazing first years with my children because I am too stressed out or too distracted to slow down and drink in the moment. I'm also scared that their earliest memories of me will be of me ignoring them while I type on my laptop.
How do you keep that balance? And what do you do when you find yourself in over your head?
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